Relationship Wreckers!

Follow any of these pointers and you can kiss your steady goodbye...

1. End arguments by turning some deeply private secret he's told you.. against him, adding, "Screw you, you slobbering half-wit!"
2. Beg him to read your private journal.
3. Call him repeatedly. If he doesn't call back, e-mail him. If he doesn't return your e-mail, fax him. If he still doesn't call, drop by his office and surprise him with a cute card. If he's not at his office, drive to his house, wait for him at his front door and, when he arrives, tell him he can do anything with you.
4. Ask him once a week, "So, where do we stand?" Or better yet, ask, "Where do we stand as a couple?"
5. Actually tell him exactly how many chaps you have slept with.
6. Fixate on the future. Focus on his taking you for your couple holiday next Valentine's Day.
7. Always cry after sex.
8. Criticize his mother.
9. Do you own a pair of baggy maroon sweatpants? Wear them.
10. Is he feeling a tad overwhelmed by the serious turn your affair is taking? Surprise him with loads of gifts for no reason.
11. Nag. Nag. Nag. Nag.
12. Giggle at his receding hairline. Watch him burn.
13. Tell him that oral sex makes you gag except when he does it.
14. Don't let him miss you. Spend every blessed moment with /near /on /under /over him, particularly those blessed moments when you feel bloated and paranoid.
15. Never carry your wallet with you.
16. Let him know that every day is Judgement Day as far as you and he are concerned and that you'd rather be right than happy.